I have developed a habit of sneaking out at night to the apartment rooftop. it’s kind of surreal to crawl up there right to the edge and hover above Brooklyn.
I can spot the schoolyard in the dark, and the dollar tree store, our laundromat and the local diner, all blending into a swirl of neon colors with the glimmering streetlamps, while car horns, police sirens, and stray voices morph into a soundtrack of distant, harmless chaos.
sometimes I imagine leaping and everything flashing past — stores, traffic, lights — as I fall and look, look, look.
I imagine the world below catching me at the last minute, with my mom and grandmother’s wishing stars whooshing down, pulling me back to safety, demanding I stay, to make something, not just one more song but, like, entire constellations of them.
then slipping downstairs to the apartment I lock myself in my room and crawl quietly into bed, my secret feeling safe once more.
most days I think I’m okay, really fine. I try not to let the sad stuff get to me. but other days, a lot of them, I know I’m just not.
I don’t think that makes me special or different from anyone. but facing life in recovery can feel extra-overwhelming, especially when dealing with thoughts of suicide. a lot of us in group struggle with this, and the fact is substance abuse not only increases the risk of suicide but is often used as a method.
suicidal ideation can come and go quickly and with little warning. our counselors encourage us to be open about our feelings and share them with people we trust and who care about us. they tell us to remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I have seen people in group and at the clinic who have tried to take their lives, and they’re in this hopeless state where they think, “today I’m going to die because my life is pointless.”
I know mine isn’t. there’s my family, faith, and music, and group, and the memory center, and you, to get me through the tough days. music, especially, gives me a way to remain close to myself and that makes me feel safe.
here’s one of the new songs. I shared it a few weeks ago. I just feel like talking to you through it right now.
cookie nieves 
Leave a reply to Sara Flower Cancel reply